Losing It

Sometimes one single person will come into your life and you won’t even know what hit you. They are perfect for you in every way. These are the people that you don’t go looking for and you definitely don’t see it coming, you just meet them  one day and then your life is never the same. So what happens when you lose it?

This past month has definitely been the hardest time of my entire life. Within the past two and a half years I’ve gone through a break up with someone I dated all through high school, my paw paw passed away, I lost some friends that I thought I’d keep forever and my dad stopped talking to me. That pain was horrible, but nothing compares to this past month and having to lose my best friend. He didn’t die or get severely injured, he just had a change of heart, but in the process he took mine with him.

You might ask how it is that we end up meeting these life changing people. Well, I met mine at my job. We didn’t get along very much at first because sometimes I like to be hard headed, but overtime we became friends and I realized that it couldn’t possibly stay that way for long. New Years 2014 rolled around and that’s when he kissed me, and I knew I was a goner. We had our first official date after that at the movie theater and saw the worst movie of all time; but we had the most fun I’d ever had with someone that I was interested in. After our first date I knew that I was in love with him. It took him one day to steal my heart.

After that we seemed to be inseparable as most couples are during the honeymoon stage of their relationships. As for me? The honeymoon stage went away, but feeling of excitement when I knew I was going to see him never did. It always felt like the very first time. And sure, we would get into fights here and there but he was my ideal person. We always seemed to be on the same page and we knew what each other wanted and didn’t want. He helped me through most of those hard times that I mentioned earlier, and when none of that scared him away I knew that I’d found someone who could handle all of me. He took me as I was and never expected anything more from me. Things got bumpy from time to time when he started going back to school. I was used to seeing him all of time and when he started school we could only see each other about twice a week. I felt sad about it sometimes but it was only because I missed him. I was still just as happy with him. I was supportive because I knew he was capable of incredible things, and he was going to achieve them there.

We didn’t talk about the future too much but I just knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. Within the last three months of our relationship I freaked out a little bit because we started to be able to see each other less and less. I felt crazy because I missed him so much. One of those nights we had a long talk and we decided that we were strong enough to get through this together. I was so relieved. After that night, I just knew that if we could get through all of these obstacles together, then we would always be together. I was thinking about our future and the fact that I was moving out soon so maybe we’d see each other more. He could do his work with me in my new space. I was also terrified of going to a new school but as long as I had his support I knew I’d be okay.

One month after we had that talk he took me out to dinner. I was so excited because we hadn’t gotten to spend too much time together, so I got all dressed up for when he picked me up. I should’ve known something was wrong as soon as he got there, because he seemed to be in a rush to get out of my house. Of course, I didn’t realize anything was wrong because I was just happy to see him. We had a great time at dinner, but when we got back to my house I got the famous last words, “we need to talk”. It was mostly a blur because I was crying so hard I could barely remember anything he had said to me. Just that we grew apart and that he didn’t feel the same way anymore.

The whole week after that I walked around in a daze; I went to work and pretended that everything was normal and I would come home and cry. I did things to make myself feel close to him even though I wasn’t. I would listen to his radio station, watch youtube videos that he used to watch with me and I surrounded myself with stuff that he’d bought for me and clothes that I had of his. I was a mess and I finally decided that I should give some of his things back. So we met up at the end of that week and talked about everything again and it was truly over.

You never realize how big of an impact someone has made on your life until they’re gone. He didn’t go to church with me that much, but it meant the world to me when he did, because I know he was trying to make me happy. Now it’s hard for me to go to church because I always think of him. There are certain restaurants I can’t go to anymore because we’d go there together a lot. Stake N’ Shake is where we’d go every weekend after work and I still tear up when I drive past it sometimes. Recently, I went to thanksgiving dinner at my grandma’s house and my little cousin came up to me and asked where he was, because my cousin really liked him. All I said was that he wasn’t coming this time. Sometimes I still can’t bring myself to say it and that’s why a lot of people still don’t know.

It’s not just the big things about our relationship that I miss, it’s the small ones too. I miss that every time I was in a bad mood, he wouldn’t stop being stupid until I laughed at him. I miss when he would play his annoying Starbomb music that I hated so much. I miss that when he wanted me to kiss him on the cheek he’d move his head toward me until I got the hint. I miss this one night that I was really upset so he layed with me and watched the Princess Diaries II and Ella Enchanted. I miss that every time I would cry he would hold me and tell me he loved his cry baby and that everything was going to be okay. But most of all I just miss him and every single positive trait and flaw that came with him. People kept telling me that it would get easier, and so far it hasn’t.

I still do things to make myself feel close to him. It’s so hard because he touched every aspect of my life in some way. He was the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had so much trust in this one person and now that it’s been ripped away I really don’t know what to trust anymore. I’ve been leaning on God a lot throughout this process and I’ve been trying to pray every day again. At first I would beg for God to just give him back to me. Now I just pray for myself and him to find happiness. I still believe that he is my happiness but only time will tell. He changed my life in so many ways and he made me better. I can only hope I did the same for him.

Once you’ve experienced a feeling that’s only supposed to come around once in a lifetime, how do you move on when you lose it?

“We don’t meet people by accident, they are meant to cross our path for a reason.”

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