My Beautiful Disaster

Throughout everything that’s happened to me this past month, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that I have few friends, but the friends I do have are incredible, that work is a suitable place to get your mind off of things, I have a TON of feelings that I have no idea how to handle, and finally, I learned that broken hearts take a really long time to mend.

During the process of me getting over the person, who I thought, I was going to spend life with, I realized how much I truly needed some amazing people in my life if I was ever going to get over it. There were six people who have been completely there for me during this time that I could NOT have gotten to where I am now without (I won’t write their names). The first person is, of course, my mother. She helped me to stay strong throughout this time and find things to do to get my mind off of the complicated stuff that was going on. Next is my best friend, who basically lives by my side through everything that life throws at me. When my mom couldn’t be there for me, she was. She has been my rock for the past ten years and I definitely wouldn’t be who I am today without her. Next is a beautiful person that I’ve known for 12 years, and even though she lives hundreds of miles away in Kentucky, it was like she was right next to me, holding my hand. Next is a girl I became friends with only recently through my job because of what happened. She asked me if I was okay one day and when I told her no, she immediately came to my aid and has been helping me through this ever since. She’s truly a blessing to my life. Next, is my favorite guy and also one of my best friends. He texts me every day to make sure I’m alright. Ever since my break up, not a day goes by that I don’t hear from him. And finally is a girl I became friends with in high school through marching band. She’s one of only people who has been able to completely get my mind off of things, even if it’s only for a few hours. These people really do mean the entire world to me. During times like this it is imperative that you have people like this to really keep you going and motivated.

I was getting to a point where I was really starting to hate my job. I am currently on my third year at Target and I was getting tired of the people, the environment and mostly the complaining guests. However, after the break up, I realized how important my job really was. I got promoted right after everything happened, so I decided to throw myself into my work. It didn’t help all of the time of course, because my ex and I work together (that’s where we met). But as I continued to work and learn new things about my job, I started to feel a little better each time I came in. I still don’t particularly care for every aspect of my job, but I really have learned to appreciate it in a new way. Keeping yourself busy after an experience like this one is so important, because if you’re just sitting at home all you’ll do is overthink everything and slide deeper into depression. And if you’re anything like me, it’s an easy habit to get in to.

My life has been a complete roller coaster of emotions ever since November the 3rd when this happened. I have had days where I can’t drag myself out of bed and my eyes are swollen shut because of how much I’d cried the night before. I’ve also had days where I can smile and have a pretty great day. I have found that the three main feelings are depression, rage and the feeling of being content. Unfortunately, during times like this, it’s really hard to keep yourself happy because you made plans with this person and they’re no longer there, so all of your plans have to change. Sometimes I find myself getting so angry for no reason other than thinking about the events and beating myself up for things that I really can’t even control. It’s easy to slip into depression, I think sometimes that I may be experiencing some of that now because it feels like you’re just going through the motions of life instead of actually living. Finally, there’s a feeling of being content with everything. This is a rare feeling but it does come around sometimes and it does give you moments of peace. These feelings may not happen for everyone, and they don’t happen in this order. It could be any emotion on any given day. You just have to roll with the punches and have faith that it’ll get better.

Having your heart broken is definitely one of the worst feelings that anyone will ever have to experience. I’ve been in love twice, however, I’ve only had my heart truly broken once. I wish I could confidently tell everyone reading this that I’m all better now, but I can’t. I don’t know when or how it gets better, I just finally found faith that it will. I find myself praying everyday that it’ll work out or that we will get back together, but I can’t do that to myself. I have to accept the fact that that it’s over and try my best to move on and be happy in some other way. I have some days were I’m okay with everything that’s happened and I can laugh and smile and think everything’s wonderful. But I also have days were I want the world to end or I just want to sit in my room and be sad. But I know that’s okay now, because I know eventually I’ll find my happiness again, even if I have to find it alone. Whatever is meant to be will come back. However, if it’s not I have to trust that there’s something very special waiting for me soon.

Having this blog has helped me so much. And I only hope that I’m helping other people going through the same thing as me too. Most of my posts have been written during my sad times, and I’m sure I’m not done writing about those times, but I’m definitely not done writing about the good times either.

“No matter what happens in your life, things will get better. So keep your head up and show everyone that you’re stronger than they thought you were.”


2 thoughts on “My Beautiful Disaster

  1. I came to your blog because I received a notice that you started following Classical Gasbag. I decided to check out your blog, and started at the beginning. I hope that you are doing better now. I’m glad that you have friends to help you through things. Broken hearts are a universal phenomenon. I’m sure you have speaking to everybody who reads you.

    Liked by 1 person

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